My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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