My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
