What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Randomize
