you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
