he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
