I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
