idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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