Even water is tasting like jack daniels
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
