Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
