she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
