why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
