so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
