Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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