Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
