I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
