her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
