i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Randomize
