you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
