So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
