dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
