i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
