plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
