Im at strip club and am horny
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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