I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Randomize
