If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
