grandma shit on top of the toilet
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
