She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
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I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
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We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
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