I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
