I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
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