i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
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