saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
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