I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
