All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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