now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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