Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
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