I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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