I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
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The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
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Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
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