I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
