Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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