chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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