right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
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Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
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If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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