Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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