Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Randomize
