i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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