Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
