If i come over, it means nothing
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
