I want to walk on stilts...naked
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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