i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
