that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
