Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize
