When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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