she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
